I feel as if I should start this by introducing myself: Hi, I'm Kerry and I am, in part, a product of state custody placements.

(Hi, Kerry...)

There, that's out of the way and now we're not strangers anymore. As such, I like to think we can share some things and, while I don't make a habit of revisiting this period of my life often, I do go into it when I discover opportunities to make things better for the kids who are currently wrapped up in the system I survived.

The specific topic that was brought to me is that of food hoarding. There are many foster parents trying to figure out how to manage their children in care and what appears to be an unhealthy relationship with food. This, of course, often means a heavy emphasis on overeating and hoarding. It seems these parents are desperate for a solution to this and desperately want to know what they should do.

My short answer: Nothing. There, article over…

Okay, I get it, you want some sort of elaboration to that answer.

No problem.

Since I've already introduced myself, let me give you another insight into me:

I was just like these kids for a good amount of time.

That's right, I was a food hoarder.

It was nothing for me to consume an entire box of cereal every morning before school.  Now, I wasn't a big kid. In fact the opposite was true and, to be honest with you, I can't imagine how I was capable of packing the whole thing in and have it down in 10 minutes… but I did it. I would stash half my package of Pop-tarts (™), I'd hide the last of a bag of chips or find a hidey hole for packages of crackers and, when food was provided, I'd make sure that everything was gone before I'd be done at the dinner table.

This is not because my foster parents didn't provide: the opposite is true, they went out of their way to make good, healthy, filling meals and they couldn’t reconcile why I was so fixated on food. They got worried about it, both for my own physical and emotional health, but also because I was eating them out of house and home. This went on for about 6-9 months and I don't know how they were able to make the bills and feed me during this period. In their desperation to regulate the food consumption, punishments were given for discovered hidden food and they even went as far as to lock the food away as they tried to figure out how to stop it and why I was doing it.

Some background might give context here.  I grew up poor... more than poor, like, not able to afford the last 2 letters of the word, we were just Po'. Food was a problem, government subsidies didn't quite cut it (and this was during the time of government cheese, juice, canned meat, powdered eggs and the like). There were periods where oatmeal was the meal 3 times a day (I still can't eat that stuff). There were times where I would steal a pan off the salad bar at the neighborhood pizza hut, just to have something for my belly. Sometimes I got shredded carrots, sometimes I got ham, sometimes I only got bacon bits, but the desperation for something to fill that void in my stomach meant I wasn't going to be picky. Add to this that my brother, 6 years younger than me, couldn't fend for himself and you can imagine why I became quite the prolific petty thief, just by way of wanting to protect my sibling and find something I could eat. (This, by the way, is no indictment of my bio-mother, who struggled mightily to better herself as a single parent, she truly did everything she could.)

The situation being what it was, I found myself put into a placement where, all of a sudden, there was an immense glut of food. I couldn't imagine these people needed all of this food, and I knew there were no guarantees that I'd be able to find food in the next month, week or day. So I did the only ‘smart’ thing I could think of: I started harvesting from those food stores for a rainy day, I started shoveling every drop of caloric intake I could possibly take in, because I've been in positions where even one spoonful might mean the difference between being sick, hurting in the stomach or weak at school the next day.

I suppose. at this point, curious minds want to know how my foster parents (still in my life some 20 plus years later) managed to break me of this mindset of gorging and hoarding.

They finally realized their interventions weren't going to stop me. Locking the food up was only feeding my belief that eating was a luxury which could be taken away at any time and I must be ready for that inevitability. So they opened up the shop, gave me free and open access to the food (while still establishing guidelines), set a menu that I could see on the fridge, involved me in the shopping and preparation and - while I'm sure it wasn't always cheap and was probably frustrating - they never said another word when they found a package of saltines stashed at the bottom of my clothes hamper.

I finally accepted that they wouldn't just suddenly stop feeding me. That, in their home, food wasn't going to just magically stop being available.  With a little time, my mind and body regulated to the idea that I wasn't going to have to steal, scrounge or beg for a bite anymore. Being involved in the shopping also made me aware of the process of feeding the entire family which gave me the facts of the cost of providing the meals and snacks for the entire household. I was able to process the strain it caused when I was eating an entire 4 dollar box of cereal every morning.

In all, these things, plus just being allowed to eat whenever the mood crossed me, was the answer, because I was able to get over my personal fear of where my next bite was going to come from. It took some time, but eventually I just stopped.

So I would tell foster parents struggling with a placement who is gorging, "stealing", and/or hoarding food to understand that a great deal of this behavior comes from incredible fear of hunger, which is not something anyone who hasn't gone days without a meal will ever understand.

What you can do as concerned foster parents is integrate your kids into the family structure, allow them to see and learn where the food is coming from, how it's prepared and what the costs are. The access and education will be key for them, not just in the short term of their placement with you, but for the long term, as the lessons I learned during this period I have carried with me as life skills throughout adulthood.

The most important thing to consider, is that, if you fear a eating disorder, please, have a physician and/or a mental health professional involved to ensure the wellbeing of the young person. I am by no stretch of the imagination a professional on these matters, instead, I am only an adult who went through these experiences as a kid. In my case, I was provided with love, understanding… oh yeah… and glorious food. At least in my situation, those things helped me far more than any punishments and served to make my relationship, both with my fosters and with food far more healthy than any pantry lock ever could.

Hopefully this provided a little insight into what your kids are going through, being painfully hungry isn't an experience I'd want any of you to have to suffer. Maybe that pain from my past can inform you now. I will tell you that you're already doing the most important thing you can do, you're there for them and you're trying to learn. I only have respect and love for all of you doing that.

Good luck, Foster Parents.